Two Pairs of Sheets and a Blood Bath

Ugh. Well, I officially can never show my face in B-Town again after this weekend.

Let me start from the beginning…

I was working at the restaurant Friday night I got a text from my girlfriend Ashley, asking me if I wanted to go out with her, her boyfriend and her boyfriend’s friends for his birthday. She said there was this boy, Chase, she wanted to set up with, so I agreed to meet them afterward. I creeped him on Facebook, he was a really good-looking dude. I asked the girls at the restaurant if they knew him, and they all did. Super nice, really hot and apparently really rich. Yikes. I was nervous.

I asked her what she was wearing and she said I should wear something casual, but slutty. Perfect. My specialty.

After I got off work, I met Ashley at the bar with her boyfriend, Jason. They were already several drinks in, not wasted, but not even close to my stone-cold soberness. I bee-lined to the bar to buy an abundance of drinks in an effort to catch up. Ashley met me there and we quickly did a couple shots together while I grabbed two vodka sodas. I looked around for Chase, I found him and we met eyes. Yep, he was hot.

I didn’t really know anyone except for Ashley and her boyfriend, so I grabbed a table with her.

I was kind of talking to other people, not close to Chase, but wondering when he was going to approach me. Finally, after about 30 minutes of me walking by him to get drinks at the bar, he finally introduced himself, and came back to the table where Ashley was, sat down across from her and next to me and started chatting. All of a sudden Ashley was drunk. I’m not sure how it happened but she was seriously circling the drain of sobriety. Fuck. I told Jason to go outside and hail a cab, and I went back up to the bar for a drink. Before I could order, I heard a bit of ruckus and turned around….Ashley had puked all over herself, the table, and Chase. Fuck. 

I needed to get her out of there before anyone noticed. I quickly grabbed her coat, scooped her up and out the door to where Jason was still trying to get a cab. Chase followed me and helped me with Ashley. We quickly grab a cab, Jason got her in the car and turned to Chase “Dude, you coming?”

Chase looked at me, “Do you want me to?”

I don’t know! I’ve talked to you for 5 minutes! I told him sure, as long as we could keep drinking. He agreed and we all piled into the cab.

I do not do well with vomit. Mine, or other people’s.

Don’t be sick. Don’t be sick. Puking will not be sexy right now. 

We got back to Jason’s place, and Ashley immediately headed to the couch and passed out.

Just me and the boys then. Jason went to make sure Ashley had everything she needed while Chase and I scoured the kitchen for more booze.

I shot the shit with the boys for a few hours and we kept drinking. Turned out Chase  used to play football with my brother in University. As the night started to wind down and we got really drunk, Chase kissed me, although I can’t really remember how it first happened. Then he asked me to go back to his place.

“There is a bed at my place and it really beats sleeping on the couch.” 

Truth.

“Fine, but I’m not going to sleep with you.”

Riiiiiiiiight. 

We grabbed a cab back to Chase’s place. It’s a condo building right on Lakeshore, top floor, facing the lake. It’s MASSIVE. Jesus. This guy was fucking LOADED and hot as fuck, and I was a total waste case.

We chatted for a little bit, he gave me a pair of shorts to wear and we started watching a movie in his bed. One thing led to the other and we started fooling around but very quickly passed out together before it lead to anything.

The next morning there was bright sunlight streaming through his curtain-less windows onto the bed.

Where the fuck am I?

Holy fuck, don’t lift your head.

Water.

I have to pee but I’m afraid to move. 

“Good morning” I heard from beside me. We very quickly jump each other. It was a bit painful at first, but I thought it would subside as we got into it.

We were right in the thick of it, and suddenly Chase looked down and stopped with horror all over his face.

“What’s wrong???”

He said nothing but just looked pale and panicked, unmoving. I quickly sat up and realized there is a pool of bright red blood beneath me, all over his crisp, white sheets and all over him. Oh my god, oh my god, ohmygodohmygod. What the serious fuck. I jumped out of bed and ran to his on-suite bathroom.

There was no way this could be my period, could it?? I had just finished it last week. We had zero warm up, he had to have just torn me. I cleaned myself up and went back out, apologizing profusely. He had already changed the sheets to his “cottage sheets” (yep, apparently he has one of those too, along with his penthouse condo on the lake…..so glad I bled all over this guy during sex), cleaned himself up and had a glass of water waiting for me on my side of the bed.

I climbed into bed next to him and he was so cute and affectionate, making the whole experience even more mortifying. We quickly passed out again. I woke up a few hours later to him kissing my forehead and playing with my hair in a very boyfriendy, non-one-night-standy kind of way. We started kissing and very quickly things started to get heated again. Within 10 minutes I had bled all over him, myself and was now dripping onto the sheets again. Ugh. I rushed again to the bathroom, not before leaving a trail all over his “cottage” sheets.

I cleaned myself up in the bathroom again, I could hear Chase at the door asking if I was okay and if I needed anything. What I need is an escape route.

I went back out and he was so reassuring and great, saying not to worry and that he felt bad for hurting me. He kept saying how hot he thought I was. Dude. I just saw myself in the mirror. I know I have yesterday’s make-up all over my face and a rat’s nest at the back of my head, but thanks for being sweet. I laid back down with him and then felt the saliva start to collect in my mouth. I was about to throw up. OH COME ON!!! Like I haven’t embarrassed myself enough already?? I needed to get the fuck out of there, stat.

Nope. I wasn’t going to make it with getting dressed and saying goodbye. I needed a bathroom immediately. I grabbed my glass and acted like I was going to grab another glass of water. I searched his massive condo for another bathroom, There has to be another one! Look at the size of this place! Please don’t  make me throw up in the on-suite where he can hear me….Oh god…it’s coming…..I bee-line it back to the bedroom.

“I’m sorry for this” and shut the bathroom door behind me.

I’m not a quiet puker. I am a coughing mess when I puke. There is no denying what I’m doing when I puke, but I somehow managed to not be a disgusting mess in that moment. I thought I was pretty quiet. But I was drenched in sweat when I finished. My body was trying to extract everything I drank the night before along with every last shred of my dignity.

Jesus Christ. I just bled all over this guy twice and ruined two sets of his sheets and now I’m throwing up with him 10 feet away. Get me the FUCK OUT OF HERE. I washed my face and brushed my teeth with my finger. I wiped off the excess make-up from under my eye with my finger and sighed. I couldn’t stay in there forever. I went out, wearing only a thong and a bra and said,

“Well I am sufficiently embarrassed and am going to head out before I do anything else to make this even more of a disaster”. 

He asked me what I was talking about. I told him how I was just sick. He said he hadn’t heard anything and wouldn’t have known if I didn’t say anything. Great. Keep your mouth shut Jo. Now he knows! haha…whatever. At this point I know I’ve ruined any chance of any further contact with this guy…collect your things and go.

I started getting dressed and grabbed my things. He commented on how hot I was as he watched me dress and insisted I come back to bed for a snuggle. Say what?? Who are you. Did you not hear me? I just threw up and I literally bled all over your beautiful apartment. Why do you want anything to do with me? I obliged for a few minutes and then got up to leave. Chase insisted on walking me to my car a few blocks away. Damn. He actually seems like a sweetheart. Too bad I just want to get away from him and my embarrassment forever.

Oh wait. One last piece of embarrassment. My car is a piece of shit, and when we got to my car I said “This is me!” and he immediately tried to open the door to the BMW parked beside it. No Chase, not that one. It’s the rust pile beside it. He kissed me goodbye and I got in my car and waited for him to walk away before starting it, I didn’t need him to also hear the squealing of the transmission belt and the hole in my muffler.

Needless to say, we did not exchange numbers.

I pulled into my driveway and promptly fell asleep for half an hour, in my car. I didn’t even make it inside, despite it being cold outside. What a fucking disaster.


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