Being Your Girlfriend for Garth Brooks

Since our first date, when I got a little drunk and word vomited all over our dinner about my ex, Tyson and I have been on two more dates. One was to the movies and the third was another dinner. Before our third date he pointed out that we have been talking everyday for 3 weeks. As soon as he pointed that out, it freaked me out and I purposely didn’t message him back for 24 hours. He told me he really, really liked me and asked me to be his girlfriend on the third date, right after we kissed for the first time. I panicked and said it was moving way too fast for me. He doesn’t know anything about me! How can he say he likes me and thinks I’m a great person, when he literally knows nothing about me. I’ve been a drunk zombie for the last month since the Chef and I broke up and have felt numb to everything since.

I don’t know why, but him saying that was an instant turn off for me. I was convinced that he wasn’t super into me, the person, but was more interested in having someone to call his girlfriend. He is recently out of a 10 year relationship, and I got the sense that he has no idea what to do with himself outside of a relationship.


He kind of reeks of desperation, and it’s a stinky cologne.

I told him after our third date that things were moving way too fast, that I wasn’t ready to commit to being someone’s girlfriend yet, and suggested we slow things down, take a bit of a break and see what happens.  A few days later he called me up and asked me to go to a Garth Brooks concert with him. Me being me, a lover of country music, especially Garth Brooks, I asked for more information. The concert was in 5 days, he already had the tickets and he was willing to drive.

Hold up. Let me get this straight.

Despite me saying that I want to slow down, you are willing to take me to a Garth Brooks concert for free, I can get drunk and then you’ll drive afterward? FUCK YA I’ll go to Garth Brooks with you!! I can be friendly for 5 more days!

So I drove down to his place after work 5 nights later, rang his doorbell and he answered his door wearing cowboy boots, tight jeans, a plaid shirt, and a cowboy hat. I’ve made a terrible mistake. Dude. What the fuck are you wearing. You live in the city. And now I have to hang out with you looking like that all night long. Thank God we were crossing the boarder so the likelihood of me being seen by anyone I know was lessened. I just kept reminding myself that he was treating me and was being soooo nice to me, and tried to give him the benefit of the doubt.

The concert was AMAZING. From what I could remember of it. We got to the concert hall and I immediately hit the bar. I was on a mission to get a drunk as possible and have a good time, double fisting double vodkas? Yes please. Since Tyson paid for the tickets, I bought the booze for the night.

I got fucking loaded. Trisha Yearwood, who I used to belt out in my bedroom as a kid, opened for Garth and I insisted Tyson slow dance with me when “How Do I Live” came on. We were by the bar, standing under this pod light, which illuminated us like a spot light. Sickeningly romantic. In hindsight, and sober-sight, probably not my smartest move, as he kissed me afterward and asked me again to be his girlfriend. Damn you Trisha! Pulling at my heartstrings and taking over like that! Again, I turned him down. He is such a sweet guy, a good kisser, and actually quite handsome. I don’t have a doubt in my mind that he would treat me well, but I just wasn’t ready to be his girlfriend, I wasn’t even sure if I was totally into him, but I like hanging out with him.

After that we got another rphoto (3)ound of drinks and went back to our seats. I’m going to be completely honest and tell you that I don’t remember much of Garth Brooks. I remember whistling a lot and thinking that he was running around a lot for his old age. That’s about the extent of it.

We left the concert hall, got back to his car, I made him stop for McDonald’s on the way home and then headed back to Tyson’s place.

We got back to his place, stuffed our faces full of McDonald’s and then got ready for bed. I felt stupid for getting this drunk, because now I was stuck there until I sobered up enough to drive home. I asked for a pair of his shorts, I got into his bed and promptly fell asleep.

I woke up a little while later to him coming to bed. We kissed a little and then started fooling around. He tried a few times to get into my pants, but I kept shutting him down.

I felt his penis. It was really small. Micro even. And didn’t smell the cleanest. *Gag* Maybe that is why he asked me to be his girlfriend before we barely kissed? Get me locked down before I saw his penis. I was so not into it after that and rolled over and fell back to sleep.

I woke up around 5am and tried my hardest to climb over him, grab my stuff and get the fuck out of Dodge without him waking up. Nope. I was a disaster and fell over him. He woke up and asked me where I was going. I told him I wasn’t feeling well and heading home. Without turning on his lights, I quickly grabbed my stuff from his floor, dressing myself as I scurried down the stairs and out the front door. As soon as I was off his street I breathed a sigh of relief. Phew! Time to get home as quickly as possible and pass the fuck out with no intention of seeing Tyson again.

I was halfway home before I realized I was bra-less. I forgot my favorite Victoria Secret bra on his floor and it had my brand new FitBit attached to it. FUUUUUCK.

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