The Voicemail to End All Voicemails

So there is this one guy named Brian on Tinder. He’s cute, but he came off pretty aggressive in the beginning. He pretty much immediately asked when I was going to make the trip to come visit him for the night. A total booty call attempt. I don’t even think he knew my name at that point.  So I kind of backed off a bit, and actually didn’t go on Tinder for about a week. When I went back on, I had a number of messages from people, Brian being one of them.  I am slowly figuring out that Tinder is more for the entertainment factor when I’m bored than anything else. So I indulged him and messaged him back.  We chatted for a few days and then he gave me his number. I texted the number and said “Hey Brian, it’s Jo from Tinder.” But didn’t save his number in my phone.

About an hour later, I was at work and got a call on my cell from a number I didn’t recognize, so didn’t give it a second thought. They left a voicemail, but I wasn’t able to check it because we aren’t supposed to be on our personal phones during working hours.

About 10 minutes later I got a text from the same number saying “Shit! I pocket dialed you!” It was Brian’s number. I told him not worry and we texted intermittently throughout the rest of the day.

When I got home I was going through my voicemail and finally got to his. At first I just heard scuffing around, and then I remembered that he pocket dialed me. And then I heard it. A really loud sound that sounded like a fart. My jaw dropped, but I couldn’t put down the phone and kept listening. You won’t believe this.

HE LEFT ME A VOICEMAIL OF HIM TAKING A FUCKING SHIT!!!! 

An audible, unmistakable, fat shit. 2 full minutes of pure poop. I heard farting, I heard pushing, and then I heard the flush.  He even did a second, curtesy flush.

Oh. My. God. This exists on my voicemail and is clear as day. The phone had to have been in his back pocket of his pants. I felt like I was there, sitting beside the toilet.

I instantly called my best friend and told her, and we DIED laughing.

And then I texted Brian.

Pocket dial

About 3 hours later I got a reply from him saying “Huh?”

I didn’t reply after that. I felt like if I continued it would become malicious. I can’t bring myself to listen to the voicemail again, but I can’t bring myself to delete it either. I want it to live forever.

A few days later I went back on Tinder and I had a message from him saying,

“Good talk lol”

and then one from the next day saying,

“Miss me yet?” 

I replied “Nope. I don’t. You pocket dialed me and left a voicemail of you taking a dirty shit on my phone.”

Guess what he replied? Balls this man has.

“Lol! My bad. Let me make it up to you over drinks.” 

What the serious fuck? Are you not embarrassed? I would be fleeing from the country and changing my name immediately and this guy is over there all “whoopsies” with a shrug. My friends really want me to take him up on that drink. My other friend says she wants to date him. Seriously??? I’ve heard him taking a shit. I know what his anus sounds like before I know what his voice sounds like.

FUCK. NO. 


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